March 18th, 2017
Most of my life I have been forcing myself not to have crushes on guys. I've been using every possible logical trick in my mind to deny myself a crush. It's been relatively easy, because most of the time I just told myself being with a guy was never going to happen. Plus I've got willpower for days, well it's more like years, so it's been easy for me to put men out of mind. I have had crushes on my best friends, but I always just told myself I was just his friend. It wasn't until after I moved on, that I would tell myself I would have totally had sex with him if he was into me.
But now that I'm coming out of the closet things are a changing. I have my first crush on a guy. For the first time, I have literally looked at a man and told myself it's OK that you think he's cute and that you want to date him. It feels good! I am going to love being out of the closet and being transgender. Because I makes me smile and feel happy when I'm around others who know.
As for my crush, I'm going to be purposefully vague because I'm not trying to harm my crush or anyone else for that matter. But my crush is always nervous around me and I think it's cute. I feel like he puts me up on a pedestal in his mind and just want to take him home with me, but I can't. I believe, there are rules that prevent us for dating and I'm not even sure if he's into trans women or not. I've always been a guy around him, so I'm not sure how he's going to act once he sees me as a woman. He's a nice guy so I suspect he will be more than respectful. If he acts nervous while I'm dressed, I'll know. Anyway he let it slip that he was ahh... stalking me. But it wasn't in a weird way. Like I said he's cute, smart and the nervous type. So it's totally nothing to worry about.
Anyway, my crush got me thinking about the kinds of guys I like. I know for a fact, that I don't like macho men or alpha males. I like guys who are smart or creative, who win arguments with their thoughts and compassion. I trust women more than men, but I like men more because their not afraid when they know they're right. I'm tired of always winning arguments and I want a guy who can teach me a few things. I want to date a guy that everyone knows or thinks is gay as well. I don't really like straight men. I didn't know this about myself until I came out. Previously I avoided gay men, because I didn't want to be outed or caught. But I actually really like what good gay men are about. They're honest, some are stylish, but most importantly they aren't filled with lies and apprehensions about their sexuality. They wipe away that lack of trust I have for men, with their honest lives.
As for how my hormones are going. I haven't received my hormones in the mail yet, but I have been taking spironolactone, which is supposed to inhibit my testosterone. I've only been on it for two days, but I have no side effects which is good. I should be receiving my hormones in the mail some time next week. The pharmacy didn't have it in stock when I went to pick them up so they're going to mail them out to me. It's kind of anti-climatic, but with my mind and life I've learn to take things in stride and keep moving forward.
Mental Health Update
Once I move to Beaverton, Oregon I'll be at the Portland VA Hospital nearly everyday for a program to help me better manage bipolar disorder. Over the past couple of months things got off the rails in a very big way, and the program should help me better manage my manias. I used to love low grade manias, but now they scare me because of what's happened. So I've been shutting them down, by avoiding my triggers and using grounding techniques. I have a pretty good system for knocking down a mania, but I really want to have more people around me, because interact with the world is the easiest way for me to kill a mania. Plus I love being around people who know I'm transgender and pansexual. I now feel alive and ready to live. It really does feel good coming out. I wish I had known how good it feels sooner.
I finally found an apartment that I like and I applied for it on Friday, which means I won't know till probably next week if I'm moving there or not. If I do move there I'll have to wait till April 15th, but the wait is worth it because I think I'll be happy at this apartment over the others I looked at. The price is a little more than I wanted, but it has a washer and dryer in the unit which is what I want. I worry that if I used a laundry facility, I might get my clothes damaged or something like that if someone hated trans women. This way I can avoid conflict by stick to myself and the people I choose to surround myself with.