After being out and living full time and I thought I would answer the question I have been getting a lot. The question has come in many different forms and I get it from both women and men. They want to know if I know how pretty I am.
I actually went on a date with a guy and ah well... He's been cheated on a lot in his life. He's a good guy and I think he's attractive and nice, but he thinks I'm out of his league. I get the sense that he's scared that if we dated I would eventually cheat on him because of my appearance. I'm not a cheater and I have never cheated, yet he's still afraid of getting hurt.
I didn't expect to find myself in this situation when I dressed for the first time after coming out to the VA. At that point, I weighed slightly over 200 lbs and I didn't know how to do my makeup or even how to pick out the rights clothes for my body. I looked horrible, like a sad clown. But I was committed to pushing forward with my transition and life. I didn't really dress for the next six months. Instead, I focused on losing weight and positioning myself for living full time and coming out to my family. I guess I also went a little crazy, but that is neither here nor there.
Once I moved and started living as Sophia, I was shocked. I'm not going to lie, I didn't know I was an attractive woman. I thought I looked better as a woman, because of gender dysphoria, but I had no clue I was attractive. I had resigned myself to be being an unattractive 40-year-old transgender woman, but what I got instead was the gift of beauty. I had planned to power through my homeliness, by working on TRANZGENDR and helping others by letting them see my strength and resolve. The reality has left me speechless at times.
It's hard talking about not passing to other trans women when so many people find me attractive. I thought that I would be able to stand like a pillar and help provide strength to women who are struggling with their appearance. But now when I talk about passing not being important, I feel guilty.
Let's be honest. I'm not passable, but I am attractive nonetheless. I wear a wig and makeup, I still see my old self when I take it all off before I go to bed every night. I feel like I am lying to the world in those moments, but I also feel good when I do put them on again in the morning. I will likely wear a wig for the rest of my life because my hairline was ravaged by crappy genetics. The woman I am now is who I will be for the rest of my life and I am happy and grateful. I still have a hard time believing that I look this way. Seeing myself causes me to think of what could have been. But I will get into that, in my next blog on transitioning at 40.